Good evening sirs and/or madams.
I must deliver to you a pressing communique from a CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND. My friend/associate goes by the name of TENNYSON GRINN, ESQ. Please find attached a photograph of the aforementioned:
Tennyson Grinn is an imaginary person. BUT DO NOT LET THAT FOOL YOU. Tennyson Grinn may be imaginary, but he is very, very real. And today is his birthday.
Mister Grinn does not particularly enjoy parties. He enjoys the IDEA of parties, but he finds himself unable to immerse himself in their various ephemeral joys for the simple reason that he has BUSINESS to do. On this, his birthday, Tennyson asked me – his oldest friend and client – for just one simple favor. He asked me to allow him a platform from which to peddle his wares. If there are no objections, I will now cede the floor to Mister Grinn.
Any objections? EXCELLENT. Pitch begins:
Sir and/or Madame,
As you may know, there are secrets, and then there are SECRETS. Secrets are things you do not want other people to know. SECRETS, on the other hand, are things only you know. Secrets generally relate to illicit affairs, surprise birthday parties, and military supply lines. SECRETS generally relate to all-powerful shadow-governments, resurrected celebrity figures, and massive networks of underground tunnels filled with chittering, intelligent half-wasps. International spies and gossip columnists trade in secrets. I trade in SECRETS.
What am I selling? Why, the one crayon absent from your box. The one french fry separating your meal from perfect happiness. Sir or Madame, very seriously, what I am selling is madness. Yes, madness. I do not mean that my LOW, LOW PRICES are madness – though I assure you they are – we’re talking top-notch, commodity grade madness here. I’m talking the kind of madness that made Da Vinci design a robot army, that made Sir Walter Scott pack a dead fox in ice, that put the frizz in Albert Einstein’s hair. I’m talking about the prerequisite for GENIUS.
The cost. Of course, you want to know the cost. I can give you a hand-crafted, artisanal madness for just three easy payments of your sanity. Oh, sanity is merely a commodity. Granted, it is a rare one nowadays, but rare does not necessarily mean valuable, no, not at all.
Ask yourself: What erases your dreams upon waking? What shackles you to an unfulfilling desk job? What prevents you from ramping off the car in front of you in traffic and soaring into the stratosphere? Perhaps you could call me a traveling junk collector, paying you shining new madness for your tarnished, worn old sanity.
So yes, three easy payments. The first is a small down payment, necessary to render you mad enough to consider the rest of my proposal. The second will be a third of your remaining sanity, due at signing, immediately after initial consultation. The third? Ah, you needn’t worry about the third. The third payment can be made in installments over the course of SEVEN WHOLE YEARS. SEVEN YEARS, Sir or Madame, to realize the BURDEN your sanity TRULY IS.
I accept all major forms of credulity. Please send all payments to THEM, care of Tennyson Grinn, using the radios already present inside your teeth. If you cannot locate your dental radio, please stay on the line. I will be with you shortly. All sales are final. Not packaged for resale. Valid where prohibited.
Please, listen to him. He has my parents.
We encourage you to come share your stories at the live show! If you post a story about moving on in the comments here, you get into the show for free.
A Month Of
Stage 773 1225 W. Belmont
Wed Nov 12th 7:30-10:00
$10 free with a posted story or shared dish